Apr 16 2020

Meditation of a middle aged messenger- I will be forever searching for the feeling of satisfaction, relief and conclusion i used to feel at the end of a day working as a messenger. It was so long ago but i can close my eyes and take myself there. Strategically listening to the radio chatter on 3 pound Motorola walkie talkie strapped to my chest for my turn to hold the button down and speak, “84, clean.” I was given number 84 at my first job and was able to hold onto it as i bounced to different companies. So many elements clustered together to make that feeling magical. Here are a few: a)the physical relief of not having to carry a heavy bag on your back and smash around on a bike after 9 hours of doing so.
b) the mental relief of knowing that all the things that happened today are 100% finished.  Messengers dont talk about packages delivered on prior occasions. They talk about what happened at the bar and what the best kind of weed is. I think the splendor of being a messenger is intertwined the simplicity of the occupation and the dynamic environment it is conducted in.
c) the peace of knowing what is to come. Every day after work as a messenger i did the same thing. I got wasted on whatever i could get my hands on. Say what you want about substance abuse, alcoholics and junkies have an incontrovertible predictability in their lives that I find myself missing for split seconds at a time.

I dont have any of those things anymore. When will i ever be able to call in, “84, clean” again? When the mortgage is paid? When im a grandfather? When i retire from my present career?

Upon reflection i have come to believe that i will never be able to have that feeling again. Its ok. I have exchanged it for other benefits. I suppose that is what makes something special, that it is gone forever.

oakland andrew